Posted by: jinoe | November 1, 2007

Torpe Diary (Part 2 of 2)

Read part 1 here

She loves me not

Not with a guy like me.  I always remembered that.

I never gave her the drawing.  I never gave her anything since it won’t be worth it.  We continued with our lives and I’d just hear about her from friends.  I’d also see her with other men.  I assumed the guy was one of her suitors.  She’ll never run out of them.  Or maybe that was her boyfriend already.

We would have the chance to meet sometimes.  But there was nothing special.  Maybe the gods never meant for us to meet or to be together.  I remember waiting for a jeepney to school.  I boarded one and it was ready to go when I saw her riding another jeepney that just passed by.  I could have boarded that jeepney to be with her instead but I was a few seconds late.  I just hoped she’d see me.  So I fixed my eyes on her hoping she’d notice me staring at a distance.

She did.  Our eyes met and I saw her eyes widen as she saw me.  It grew large as if they were excited to see me.  But then again, I thought its just how her eyes were — beautiful.  And nothing more was behind it.  I just waved at her as an acknowledgement.  She waved back.  I smiled.

We maintained the same distance for more than five years since I first met her.  We just smiled at each other.  We had a few short talks.  I invited her once to my birthday so we can be together.  Unfortunately, we never had the chance to talk since I have other people to entertain.  It was very arkward.

I graduated from college and moved to the big city to work.  She was still studying.  Text messaging was quite new back then.  I was so excited when I got the chance to get her number after meeting her one weekend.  I thought we can have a better communication with text messaging.  I was wrong.  I didn’t have the guts to text her to start a conversation.  And if I did, it wasn’t that significant.  We will end it after two replies.

Until one night, I got a text message from her.  If I remember it right, it was the first time she started the conversation and I was estatic.  It could be the first time we would have a sensible conversation through text.  I had the feeling that maybe she misses me or finally she found in me some importance in her life.  I can’t explain it but I always have the same feeling whenever I see her.

She told he she had a news for me.  She was pregnant and due within a few months.  At first I can’t believe it.  She was so young to be pregnant.  I thought she was just joking to make the discussion lively.  But she told me a few more details and I listened.  I tried to text back some comforting words.  She was sending her replies as if everything was just fine.  As the night falls to midnight, we ended up with goodbyes and goodlucks.

Though it was only through texting, there was sadness in her words.  She was trying to hide it but I can sense some regrets.  Or maybe it was I.  I am the one who was sad.  She is gone.  I am the one who had regrets.  She can never be mine.

She will be happy.  She is not with a guy like me.  I was right.  Someone like her can never fall for a guy like me.

Breaking the Silence

We still kept in touch.  Texts.  Forwarded messages.  But it is still the same distance.  I even saw her daugther on several occasions.  She eventually graduated in college and moved in to the big city to work.  This is where our path crossed again after another five years. 

Both of us were busy with our work.  We seldom see each other.  Somehow tonight, we found time to be together for dinner at the mall.  Just like before, my heart skipped upon seeing her.  She still remained beautiful.  The feelings I have for her ten years ago still lingers.

“Why did you ask me that question about not courting you?”

“So that I won’t regret not telling you that I also liked you.”

Tough words.  Now I feel more than just a torpe for not saying the same thing ten years earlier.

“Exactly what was it that you liked about me?”  I needed some justification.  This conversations usually happens when I daydream.  But tonight, a woman in front of me tells me about her feelings for me.  I still can’t believe it.  Surely, it can’t be for how I look.  

She started to mention about the little things I possess.  I cannot believe the compliments I was hearing.  She was able to see beyond my skin.  That surprised me.  I realized got her all wrong.  She was not the kind of woman I thought she was.  I placed a barrier between us that she wasn’t able to reach out.  And with the same barrier, I wasn’t able to see her the way she saw me.  I was wrong.  She fell for a guy like me.

“So all these years we just kept this feeling to ourselves?”  I asked in amusement.

“I guess so.  And now everything can’t be the way we wanted them to be.”

“If we had this conversation ten years ago, maybe things could have been different.”  Or not at all.  I kept that last line to myself.

“Yeah, we could have kids already,”  She jokingly replied.  I laughed, as well.

We stayed for a few more hours after dinner.  We talked about those missed oppurtunities.  We talked about our well kept secrets about each other.  How she would catch a glimpse at me while I am listening in front.  Or how I would turn my head back to see if she is there.  But all those time, our eyes never met.  Our time never came.  Our destinies never crossed.  Yet, all the while, we both hope it would.  The gods never gave that chance.

I offered to walk her back home.  I prefer walking since it will take longer than riding the jeepney.  I want to spend a little more time with her before the night ends.  It was while we were walking that I started to blame myself.  How stupid of me not to see the signs.  How stupid of me not to complete and send the drawing.  How stupid of me not to know her better.  I started wondering what might have been.  What would it be like having her as my girlfriend?  Would we have a great relationship?   Would we be happy ever after?

The walk was too short for me to imagine all the things that could have happened.  We have arrived at the gate of her apartment.

“This is it.  Goodnight.”

Before I replied goodnight, I took out something from my bag and gave it to her.  It was a unicorn enclosed inside a glass globe.  I shook it a little and the star-shaped metallic papers inside fell gracefully from all directions making a flash of colorful reflections on her face.  I thought this reflects how I viewed our relationship at this point.  Beautiful and enchanting but everything is just trapped inside.

“It’s a gift.  Just something to remember me by.”  

She looked surprised.  “Thanks.”  And an awkward silence.


I gave her the usual quick hug before leaving.  I drew back feeling inadequate.  I thought she felt that way too.  We looked at each other as we broke the friendly embrace.  It was a short but strong stare.  We spoke nothing but our eyes said this is not how we’d like the night to end.  Suddenly, she opened her hands wide again.  I stepped closer and gave her another hug.  This time, tighter and longer. 

I gave her a tight embrace.  So tight that if she can feel my heartbeat, she would immediately know how I felt that night.  How I wish I could stay longer.  How I wish I was able to tell her my feelings ten years ago.  How I wish I have hugged her like this before and even more.  How I wish everything would have been different.  But it ends with this embrace.  Just like all the other goodnights we had.  It ends the same way.


We loved each other and were ignorant.
– William Butler Yeats




  1. […] Read part 2 here […]

  2. Oh. Regrets… -_- this is really nice. galing.

  3. Ay Linte. There’s no happy ending?
    Nicely written, Jin.

  4. very good, jinoe. narrative and all and the escalation of emotions only to end up with empty love…

    words will never be enough… and ur honesty in tis post is one thing that i appreciate the most… PWEDE NA GD NI YA JIN MAGING SUPER SHORT STORY.

    *claps* congratz for a well-written piece. u deserve my # 5 slot in the best post so far…

    miz yah! mwah

  5. In the words of the Bacolod City Sonics: “Halaha ah.”

  6. blogged hop from Maldito..

    wahh .. no happy ending.. sorry if this is being rude, is she married now?

  7. […] Read part 2 here […]

  8. ganyan din siguro mang-yayari sakin =___=
    L@FS when i was on 4th grade, now I’m 21, still cant confess to her.. 11yrs.. *sigh*

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