Torpe Diary (Part 1 of 2)

After Long Silence
William Butler Yeats
 

Speech after long silence; it is right,
All other lovers being estranged or dead,
Unfriendly lamplight hid under its shade,
The curtains drawn upon unfriendly night,
That we descant and yet again descant
Upon the supreme theme of Art and Song:
Bodily decrepitude is wisdom; young
We loved each other and were ignorant.

The Big Question

“Why didn’t you court me?” she asked during dinner.

“I don’t know.  Maybe because I never had the guts.  If I courted you, would I have a chance?”  I hesistated to throw the question.  I wanted her to say no.

“Yes.  I had a crush on you.”

I thought she was just joking so I gave a giggle and a high five.

“Really.  That’s why I would often get out during the break to meet you outside.  But you never made a move at all.”

“I guess I was just tied up with something else.  I wasn’t able make a move.”

“And I am a woman.  I can’t make the first move.”

“I still don’t believe the fact that you have feelings for me.  It makes me feel stupid not to see those oppurtunities to get to know you better.  I never thought a girl like you can fall for a guy like me.” 

That sounded so typical for torpes like me.  She had such a fair face.  The first time I saw her, I instantly liked her that I wanted to be her friend.  Nothing romantic back then until she had her hair fixed and started dressing up so well.  I can clearly remember that pink dress that made me turn my head twice.

She usually stays at the back while I would be in front.  Then during the break I’d go outside to talk with friends.  I know she’d be out to join us in a few minutes.  I have the silly feeling that she’d go out because of me.  Either, she wanted to talk to me, or she just wanted to see me. 

Oh how I felt that way.  I want to see her closer and talk to her.  See her face to face and get to know her better.  Maybe invite her for lunch sometime.  But when she’s out there to join us, she seldom talks with sense and interest.  She doesn’t look at my way and talk to the other ladies instead.  It breaks my heart to conclude that she doesn’t like me more than a friend. 

Someone like her can never fall for a guy like me.  It’s a conclusion I hold on to up to this day.

Drawings and Conclusions 

“You seem to like Tweety Bird, don’t you”.

It was one morning when for the first time she was in front and she sat beside me.  I noticed her things to have stickers on it.  It was rude for us to talk while someone was talking in front, but I can’t let this occasion pass by where I can talk to her alone for an hour.  Just an hour.  So we kept our voices low.

“Yes, I do like Tweety Bird.  Would you draw one for me?”

My tongue got stuck.  I love to draw and Tweety Bird is one of my specialties.

“I am quite busy lately but I can try to make one,”  I replied humbly.  I started thinking how my drawing would look like.  It won’t be just one Tweety Bird but many Tweety Birds in one clean paper showing him in different cute poses.  Surely, she’s gonna love it.

“Thanks.  I’m looking forward to see it.”

I went home excited.  I got to my desk, sharpened my pen and took a clean sheet of bond paper.  I started to make light stokes to form the head and started outlining where the eyes and the beak would be.  By just staring at the draft, I know it’s gonna be one of my best works.

As I was making the drawing, a part of me hesitates to complete it.  It tells me to stop.  Why am I doing this?  Why do I bother to draw something for her?  Am I pursuing something?  Is it worth pursuing?  It was down to the last question.  Was it worth it?

I already had a conclusion.  An assumption I may regret.  Someone like her can never fall for a guy like me.  This thought has been there all along.  Although something about her draws me to pursue her, its the thought that I can never win her repels me.  I looked up to her in a way I cannot reach.  I placed a barrier in my thoughts that separates us.  I created my own problem and so that I won’t to make it more complicated.  I’d rather hide this feeling.  It’s better that way.

It’s just like the drawing I was working on.  Everything will just be thin lines and rough sketches.  A little conversation.  A light touch of her hands.  A short glance at her face.  I’d like to draw the dark lines that completes the sketch.  I’d like to join all the ends and close all the gaps.  I’d like to place the colors and give it life.  Spend more time with her.  Send her flowers.  Wake up every morning with her.  But someone like her can never fall for a guy like me.

I stopped drawing and kept my things.

To be continued…

Read part 2 here